


break like it's even

by keepcalmncarryon97



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-11
Updated: 2013-08-11
Packaged: 2017-12-23 04:26:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/921967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keepcalmncarryon97/pseuds/keepcalmncarryon97
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So he lets Harry hold him and pepper his face with kisses. He bites his lip so hard he draws blood. The coppery taste on his tongue is just what he needs.</p><p> Anything to keep from screaming.</p>
            </blockquote>





	break like it's even

**Author's Note:**

> This is a bit random but I felt the need to write. Its kind of jumpy as far the writing style goes and It's really angsty and sad so be prepared.

Niall strips naked and turns the water as high as it will go before he gets in. It’s nearly scalding and leaves his skin blotchy and red. Just the way he likes it. He scrubs so hard he can feel the skin scratching off.

But it’s not _enoughnotenoughnotenough_.

Not enough pressure.

It never is.

His fingers twitch around the soft (to soft) cloth in his hand as his mind drifts towards the silver brillo pad under the sink. It would give him the pressure he so desperately needed. For a moment he can practically feel the aluminum scraping against his skin until it’s raw and bloody. Then he bites his lip until and guiltily shakes the thought from his head.

The last time he’d done it he thought Harry would never stop crying.

 

* * *

_Harry takes one look at his red , welting arms and legs and demands that he get help. Niall tries to tell him that this was helping. The pressure gives him some semblance of sanity. It keeps him from receding too far into his own mind. He tries to tell him that without the pressure he will lose himself in the memories. Memories of flickering streetlights, bruised lips, and muffled screams. He will lose himself and he’s terrified he will never be able to find his way out._

_I can still feel him inside me Haz._

_Harry just lets out an anguished cry and gently gathers Niall into his arms. He feels something warm and wet on his shoulder and he knows that Harry is crying._

_I’m so sorry He says_ his voice thick with tears.

Niall doesn’t bother asking why.

 

* * *

Zayn had been the one to find him.

_In a dark alleyway, his naked form slumped against a dirty brick wall. His skin itches. Everything aches. The dark handprint on the underside of thighs burns. There's come leaking down his legs and his skin throbs where it touches him. He squeezes his eyes shut tight._

_He wants to wake up from this nightmare._

_Zayn’s hand trembles as he moves to touch Niall’s shoulder.  Dont touch me he wants to scream but he can’t speak past the panic clawing his throat.  His mouth moves at an alarmingly rapid speed and he but there is no sound._

_Zayn places his hand on his arm._

_Niall jerks back and his mouth opens;the noise that rips from his throat doesn’t sound like it came from him._

Didn't even sound _human_.

* * *

Liam says talking about it might help him heal. Like he’s got a broken bone or something. If only. What Liam doesn’t understand is that talking about it will only make things worse.

Saying it out loud makes it real.

Talking about it will make the nightmares that he keeps oh so carefully tucked under the two a.m. veil of darkness reality. The thought makes his skin prickle and ties his stomach in knots.

He scrubs with renewed vigor. He’s not entirely sure what he’s trying to accomplish. He’s already come to the painful conclusion that no matter how clean he makes himself.

It will never be clean enough.

Niall wonders if there will ever be a day without him wanting to peel of his skin and soak his bones in bleach.

The answer is obvious.

_No_

Suddenly he feels dizzy.

He turns his face into the spray and breathes in the heavy, moist air before shutting the water off and climbing out. He dries with an old, worn towel that has too many holes to count in it and walks out into his bedroom fully nude. He lies down on his bed and stares up at the ceiling. A yawn overcomes him as he feels his eyelids droop.

He so fucking tired.

He doesn’t sleep much.

Not anymore.

The nightmares make sure of that. There so very vivid and real. Every time he closes his eyes he can see his tall, lanky frame looming over his own. He can feel his hands everywhere. Tugging at the waistband of his shorts, prodding at his entrance, curling around his throat. He wakes up shaking and drenched in sweat; frantically clawing at his neck, gasping for air. (When did he fall asleep?)

Harry flies through the door and immediately brings Niall into a comforting embrace; oblivious to the way he tenses at the close contact.

He’s not afraid of Harry.

It’s just that at two a.m. his minds a bit of a mess and he can’t think straight. The bad memories bleed into the good ones and everything runs together. It’s silly really because it’s Harry he should just tell him. It’s just sweet, caring, perfect Harry and he would understand. But how do you tell your boyfriend not to look at you because his eyes are starting to look the same shade of green as the one in his nightmares. To stop touching you because all you think of are large calloused hands sinking into his thighs prying them apart.

  _You can’t._

So he lets Harry hold him and pepper his face with kisses. He bites his lip so hard he draws blood.

Anything to keep from screaming.

* * *

The nightmares aren’t even the worst of it though. It’s the tension. So thick it’s nearly tangible. It smothers him, wraps his throat in a vice grip leaving him breathless and he hates it. Hates the wary glances, the cautious smiles, and the hushed whispers. It’s not their fault though. They’re not quite sure what to make of this new Niall. This new Niall that trembles at the slightest touch. That doesn’t eat. Doesn’t even laugh at any of Louis dumb jokes.

He hasn’t told them much and he can practically see the millions of questions threatening to boil over.

Questions that he _can’t_ answer.

Questions that he _won’t_ answer.

They don’t push him though. The last they did they almost lost new Niall. They are all terrified of saying the wrong thing. He is Humpty Dumpty and they are afraid that if they do he will shatter into a million itty bitty pieces; and they will never be able to put him back together again. They would rather live with the new fragile Niall with all his cracks and flaws.

Because new fragile Niall is better than no Niall at all.

* * *

It hits Harry the hardest. Which is understandable he is his boyfriend. He knows that Harry tries his hardest to be patient with Niall. He really does. He wants to be able to touch Niall without him flinching. Wants to be able to hold him without him shaking. He tries his best to give him his space.

But sometimes it gets to be too much.

* * *

He has another nightmare. One nightmare to many in Harry’s opinion. Enough was Enough. He wants Niall to confide in him. Wants Niall to tell him about the flickering streetlights, bruised lips, and muffled screams. But he refuses too and Harry snaps.

_Fucking talk to me I’m your fucking boyfriend._

_I can't_

Niall is killing himself slowly and he can’t just sit back and watch it happen. That’s what Harry had said before storming out the room.

He feels the bile rise in his throat.

He won’t have to.

* * *

Niall picks up a knife.

The tendons on the back of his hand tense. The platinum shines, kisses the soft flesh of his skin. For a moment he can see his reflection and he doesn’t like it. The silver floods his veins and the pain flows like lava taking his breath away. Crimson pulses leaving pretty pink patterns on the floor. Fat drops of blood splash onto counter. The door creeks open and a curly mop of hair peeks through the crack.

_Listen Niall I didn’t mean-_

Harry sees the blood and his screams shatter the bathroom mirror.

 There so much blood he doesn’t know what to do. One hand presses against Nialls wrist in a futile attempt to stop the blood flow. Harry swipes frustratingly at his face smearing blood on his cheeks. Tears the color of rubies fall.  _Were gonna get you help. Okay Ni he cries_ and he hugs him tight enough to leave bruises.

 

 

 

Niall wishes he could just

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Disappear.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I know this was really random and weird. Just let me know what you think of it.


End file.
